I know I haven’t written anything in centuries, I’ve been pondering at the thought of how much I want to filter what I say on here. I’m currently sat on a bench overlooking some water. I can’t feel my hands, I wish I could transfer that feeling of numbness from the tips of my fingers to my heart, mind and soul (If you’re wondering how I’m writing this, I have gloves which work on a touchscreen – 2.50 from primark for a pair.. bargain).
This photo is the last time I was genuinely happy, okay well maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. But I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I was even 70% happy, I’ve been distracted but not happy. There’s a fine line between happiness and distraction and I’m sure I’ve crossed it but not enough to know wholeheartedly.
If you are one of my friends or used to be you won’t be surprised by any part of what you read, or you might be. Either way, don’t be hurt. And if you’re family then you really will be baffled. I would just get the usual, “what have you got to be depressed about?”
If I knew the root cause of my depression it would be easier to tackle, and this is the problem for most people, they don’t know. Or it takes months, years to find out, by which time it’s too late for some sadly.
Mostly you just want to go to someone who doesn’t know you, my friends have done so much for me that I wouldn’t want to be a burden. And I’d never want to stress out my family over something they wouldn’t really understand.
Most people tend to panic when the word depression is mentioned, occasionally you go to someone and you end up feeling sorry for them instead of them being there for you. You end up reassuring them that it’s okay, they can’t magically cure your depression. My ex used to almost blame my depression for her feeling down, I remember once she made a list of things I could do when I’m feeling down, bless her. However, she didn’t put “you can talk to me” on the list, the simplest thing you can do for anyone who is suffering.
If somebody comes to you with a problem or in that state of mind, don’t say “do you want to talk about it” that rhetoric is off putting, nobody wants to talk about their problems. You should just offer to talk to them about anything, whether it’s the actual problem or an exchange about potatoes.
I’ve been on various anti-depressants, the side effects just made me feel worse, so I stopped taking them and opted for a lifestyle change instead. I’ve had CBT and it didn’t work at all. Also there was no follow-up to it? I was on a 4 month NHS waiting list for 6 sessions of being told how to cope with something rather than tackle it. If I want to seek further help I have to get onto the same queue.
I’d love to know the statistics of folks who have committed suicide before reaching the top of that waiting list. And if you’re worried that I’ve gone as far as being suicidal, of course I’ve had thoughts. But death is the one thing that frightens me more than anything else in this universe. Suicide is never the answer, ever.
The worst is going to sleep and no matter what mood you’re in, knowing tomorrow is going to be the same black hole that you’re going to spend the next 15 hours of your day trying to get out off… just to get sucked into it again and again.
Bit cringe but I wrote this when I was really down.
I fall asleep in darkness
And awake in it too
But this darkness is unfamiliar
Obscurity enclosed by fog
I walk for an eternity
but no progress is made
I see a flickering lantern
A glimmer of hope maybe
The warmth draws me closer
I grasp it fiercely
And hold on with desperation
It starts to fill me with joy
And then the light dies out
It shatters in my hands
Shards of glass pierce my skin
And there I am again
Walking in obscurity
With a bloodied hand
Anxiety is also an utter nightmare. I used to feel anxious about anything and everything, even if one of my friends texts me just saying “Amar” I used to think, “oh God now what???” Just little things used to eat away at me, until I started working out the differences between worries.
If you worry a lot, think about a worry and then work out if its something you can change or have no control over, if it’s the latter then you should try and let it go. But who am I to talk? Sometimes a worry that you have no control over is the worst thing imaginable.
I’ve found things which make me happier: making other people happy, volunteering, writing and going for runs. There is nothing that can make you as happy as making someone else’s day. I didn’t feel like eating today so I had a pot noodle and a milkshake, those are things which are easy to take in and it doesn’t feel like a lot (if you struggle with eating).
I’m still not better, but I’ve got out of the bad habits and I’m getting better. The only things I struggle with now are eating and loneliness. At times I could be surrounded by so many friends and people and still feel lonely. I have a tendency to leave my body and disappear sometimes, even when I’m on FaceTime.
I don’t know where this blog post was headed, at the start of this my heart had dropped to my stomach, now it’s somewhere near my lungs.
Had no intention with this, if you ever feel alone and don’t want to use the services listed below. Feel free to drop me an email, I will reply eventually, or just tweet saying how you feel… a human will message you, even if you think nobody cares. Somebody always cares.
Should never feel pathetic for asking for help from anyone, the first step is always the hardest.
And just remember…
Samaritans – 116 123 (UK & ROI – Free from mobiles too)
Songs I listened to while writing this rubbish
Forrest of Gold – Mazde
Brendans death song – RHCP
Red Guitar – Kris Allen
Quick musical doodles and sex – Two feet
Migraine – Twenty One Pilots